Everyone has things in their life they can't talk about for various reasons. I'm no exception. Much of it is simply inexpressible in human terms. The rest would seem like nonsense to anyone I tried to explain it to, no matter how I tried. There are those who have a tough time accepting that. Nothing I can do, sorry. That's just how it is. I had to accept that about myself, too, and it wasn't easy.

Over the past year or so, many things have become clear to me that were hidden before, things that reveal and explain much of what has confused me and caused me a lot of upset in the past. I found that all my feelings of being undervalued, unacknowledged, passed over, shoved aside, slighted, toyed with, etc., were all centered within myself, and had nothing to do with anyone else. I chose to react that way because it's what I'm used to doing. It's a bad habit I need to get rid of.

Deep down, there's a part of me that sincerely believes that I've never been good enough, and never will be. For years I scrambled about aimlessly, trying to prove to others that I was worth something. I paid for it with bad health and a terribly skewed self-image. I've had to learn to temper my inner naysayer with wisdom, relegating it to its original and proper place as a balance that keeps my ego well in check without overstepping its natural bounds.

I still have a problem with craving acknowledgement, which I'm currently addressing. Many of the recent quotes I've posted are directly related to that. It's my way of saying publicly, "I know I have this problem, I know why, and I'm working to change it." More of these relevant quotes will be posted as I find them.

The world is changing fast, and I'm changing along with it. I haven't pierced every mystery yet, but I now have a firm sense of what I'm here to do, and why. I know now that I have to keep doing what I do, in my own way, for the simple reason that no one else can exactly do what I do. No one else is comprised of the unique set of connections, relationships, thoughts, feelings, and so on of which I'm made. No one else is, or can be, exactly what I am, in the same sense that a given tree is destined to take root and grow where it is, as opposed to somewhere else. No one ever walks through a forest saying, "This tree should be there, that tree should be here ... this is just ALL WRONG!"

In this vast forest of humanity, I have taken root and grown, despite all efforts by others to the contrary. My leaves have fallen, my crown has been lopped off, my trunk toppled, my branches crushed and trampled. I may appear to be merely a flat stump, level with the ground, obscured by my own wreckage and debris. But my roots are deep and strong, and take their nourishment from a source no one can remove.

The Center holds.

Originally posted on dmiwench.vox.com